Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
