you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
