Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
