i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.