I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
