I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So much rum. So many feels.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?