I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"