Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
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Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You're like the curious george of whores
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.