What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
