Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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