Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
