It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He literally asked permission to hit on me
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
