I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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