drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
