Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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