I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
