Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
