I didn't shave. On purpose
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
