If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
