Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Send help, water and tortillas.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
