Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
