I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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