I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
