you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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