woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
