i think i have two assholes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
whose parrot is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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