While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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