and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
