You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
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Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.