do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize