My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.