she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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