I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
