I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
