new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
