I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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