taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!