I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that