As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.