i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
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I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
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I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am