Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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