How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just gargled with NyQuil
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA