Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
