i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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