wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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