Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
