God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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