if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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