If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
