Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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