My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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