I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
