so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
