Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
