I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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